Alice Through the Looking Glass

- Hey look, that’s Bob over there, sitting up ahead of us.  Who’s he got his arm around?

- Wait, that’s a girl, isn’t it?  Does he have his arm around a girl?

- Oh my gosh, he does!

- Wow!

- So…is Bob, like…

- Um…

- Straight?

- Wow.

- No, that’s totally cool if he is.  I just didn’t know that about him.  I mean, he’s never, like, said anything about it.  I mean, don’t you think he would have said, you know, “hey, I’m straight” at some point?  I mean, we’ve known him for like two years.

- No, I know, it’s not like it’s any of our business, but still, you know…  I just hadn’t thought of him as, you know, straight.  Now I kind of have to think of him like that.

- That’s so weird.  But no, it’s totally cool, like I said.  I mean it’s totally cool.  I really don’t care.  A lot of people are straight, it’s not like it’s something weird.  I’ve known other straight people.  I mean everybody has.  It’s the twenty-first century, it’s not like it’s that big of a deal.

- So I wonder who that is.  I’d totally be willing to meet his girlfriend.  It totally wouldn’t bother me at all.  If that’s who she is.  I mean, if she’s not just some girl that, you know, he’s got his arm around.

- Oh my god, he just kissed her!  Did you see that?  Oh my god!  Oh my god.  Dude, that was totally weird.

- Dude, do you think they’ve…?

- Dude, oh my god, don’t even go there.  I don’t think I’m ready to think about Bob like that yet, dude.

- Nah, but like I said, it’s totally cool.  But you know, I’m feeling a little pissed that he never told us.  I mean, wouldn’t you think he’d trust us enough to tell us something like that?  I mean, we wouldn’t give him any shit about it.

- Nah, totally.  I mean everyone would be totally cool with it.  I mean, well, Brian would probably say some dumb-ass shit about it, but whatever, I mean, he doesn’t mean it when he says stuff like that anyway.

- Nah, totally.

- So I wonder if he has told anyone.  Dude, do you think Joe knows that Bob’s straight?

- I know, they totally lived together for like two years!  He’s gotta have told Joe.  I mean, how could you live with someone and just not tell them you were straight?  I mean, if I’d lived with Bob for two whole years and he didn’t tell me he was straight right away, I’d be like, what the hell?  You’re gonna live with me but not trust me?

- Totally.

- Unless…

- Oh shit, do you think…?

- Yeah, oh man, do you think Joe’s straight?

- Holy shit…

- Wow…

- Yo, dude, do you think they ever…like…brought girlfriends home at the same time?

- I know, it’s pretty fuckin’ weird to think of Bob and Joe hanging out together with a couple of girlfriends tagging along.  Yeah, I know, it’s kind of disturbing.

- But hey, man, it happens, you know?

- I know, dude, but come on, it’s Bob and Joe.  I mean we were just hanging out with them all last weekend. I’m sure they weren’t scoping out chicks together when the rest of us weren’t looking.  Like some little secret thing between the two of them?  That’s totally not them.

- Okay, I don’t know man, what if they were?  Whatever.

- Yeah, but it just doesn’t bother me as much.

- Oh, so just because it doesn’t bother me, it’s because I must be friends with some straight person or something?

- No shit, man, I know you mean apart from Bob and Joe.

- …

- No, I know you’re not gonna laugh at me.  I just don’t really go around telling this to people.

- Okay.  My parents are straight, dude.

- Dude, chillax, all right?  It’s not like they’re fuckin’ aliens or something.  You don’t have to be all ballistic about it.

- Okay, dude, just chill all right?  People are looking.

- No problem.  It’s okay.

- Yes! They’re really straight!  Why the fuck would I lie about something like that?

- Thank you.  It’s okay.  No it’s fine.  Really.

- Just…

- Just don’t say anything to Bob.  Or Joe.  I don’t want them to hear it from you, okay?

- Thanks.  You may be an ass half the time, but I know you can keep a secret, dude.

- You knew a straight guy in high school?  Really?  One of the teachers?

- Oh, it was your high-school gym coach?  Well no shit, dude, whose gym coach wasn’t straight?  Mine was too, and he even brought his wife to the baseball games, and nobody even acted like it was weird or anything.  I think it was because everyone know that, deep down, he was a really good guy.  And when you really know someone, you realize that we’re all a lot more the same than we are different.  No matter what a person looks like on the surface.

- No, let’s just leave Bob and his girlfriend alone for now.  Trust me, straight people prefer to tell their friends and family about themselves at their own pace, when they’re ready.  I’m sure he’ll feel comfortable enough with us to trust us with that information eventually.  But, fuck you, dude, not if you make jokes like that.  Come on.