PABT and the Noble Fight Against Photography

Due to the tragic spillage of a Sigg bottle full of Vitamin Water all over the server at amNewYork’s central headquarters last week by the assistant sub-editor of the Sports section, a number of articles were permanently deleted from the electronic archives of New York City’s most widely-read subway-based newspaper.  They are being re-created from memory and whatever wadded-up notes could be rescued from the trash.  amNewYork regrets the error, but is happy to report that FOCW, New York City’s most widely-read blog, has donated space for the electronic re-printing of our first re-constructed article.  We invite you to read it below:

“FORT” AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL

Latest anti-photography initiatives at NYC’s most beloved public building have cost $100M and counting

The best evidence of the beefed-up security at the Port Authority Bus Terminal might be that a guy snapping photos inside can get stopped five times – once by a Port Authority employee, once by a plain-clothes cop, once by a homeless guy who wants you to give him five dollars because he claims you took his picture without asking him, once by a pair of German tourists who want you to take their picture with their own camera, and once by a uniformed cop who tears your camera out of your hand and only refrains from dashing it – and you – to the floor because you were able to hastily assure him that you’re not somehow affiliated with Critical Mass.

“They don’t like it when people start taking pictures,” a Port Authority functionary said with a nervous glance at the smoked-glass enclosure on the upper level where the mechanical brain of the Port Authority senses even the very smallest infraction of the rules, the very slightest instance of something out-of-line.  But ignores all of it except when someone draws attention to himself by pulling out a camera.  The reporter was escorted to the bus station’s administrative office where the confusion was cleared up.  Though what this “confusion” referred to exactly – whether to what the constitutional rights are of a US citizen in a public place, or to the, shall we say, “misunderstandings” which can result when an unnecessary rule is selectively enforced depending on who is breaking it – the reporter forgot to mention.

The busiest bus station in the world, where some 200,000 terrorists passengers come through each weekday, has during the past year taken steps to prohibit photography, which has directly resulted in the foiling of at least 274 plans to blow up the Port Authority in the past month alone.  “[The PABT] has all the attributes of a suburban shopping mall, such as homeless people, surly employees, broken public art and vile restrooms, and a major transportation facility, such as a complete lack of anywhere to sit or to store luggage, and a pervasive, unrelenting sense of total paranoia amongst the staff at large,” said Ernesto Caudiis, the Port Authority’s chief operating officer.  “It is in the category of those kind of facilities that have been targeted around the world, and as Sir Isaac Newton proved over three hundred years ago, a building cannot – absolutely CAN NOT – be hit with a terrorist attack until some part of it is photographed by a tourist or an amateur photographer.  Therefore, at a cost of $100 million, we have set out to prevent this building from ever being photographed again.  Except by the press, who can of course photograph the building all they like and then publish those photographs in newspapers which will be read by hundreds of thousands of terrorists people.  That’s absolutely fine.”

The Port Authority has added steel cross braces to the south side of the south building as a seismic retrofit – a halfway-completed project to help the structure withstand natural disasters and which therefore has absolutely nothing to do with security but which is being noted here in order to fill up a couple of extra lines.  Exterior columns were strengthened.  Security cameras were added.  “Security cameras are important,” Mr. Caudiis noted, “because in the event of a major terrorist attack on the building, it will be very important to be able to supply actual footage of the attack to the major TV news programs.”  And are the cameras being used preventatively as well?  “Oh yes,” Mr. Caudiis said.  “Images from all 217 cameras are fed to two grainy monitors which are stared at vacantly by poorly-paid security guards, whenever they’re not dozing off or staring blankly at the floor which is hardly ever.”

Other security additions include bollards along Eighth Avenue to keep vehicles from ramming the building.  The glass in the doors and the walls along the east and north sides of the building has been made shatter-proof.  But the sad truth remains: all of this will be rendered absolutely useless should some unauthorized person take a snapshot of the Port Authority building someday.

Nicholas Detemi, a security consultant, said that while it’s impossible to thwart all attacks, you can still pay his firm a lot of money to devise high-profile “security upgrades” mostly involving increased passenger inconvenience and the redistribution of finite resources towards efforts at security theatre and away from actual, behind-the-scenes anti-terrorist detective work and intelligence activities.  “That stuff’s not visibly impressive or glamorous, so who cares,” Mr. Detemi said.  “Nobody’s gonna pay me six figures to tell them the FBI needs more staff and funding, and that until they get it – I don’t care how many bollards they stick in the sidewalk – they’re basically at the mercy of sweet Jesus Christ.”